Friday, 19 February 2010
My mom passed away a few weeks ago after a long debilitating illness. I'm currently in a state of denial and numbness. For the last 5 years i've spent every weekend with her bar a couple of weekends where i've shamelessly indulged in my stargate obsession.
Know during the weekends i'm fnding it hard to do something with my time. I guess it's going to be a case of learning how to live again. I've known it was coming for a long time, but it doesn't matter it's still a shock and it was so sudden at least my mom didn't suffer at the end. How strange a passing it was, my mom spoke of having a last cigarette even though her chest sounded like a rusty pair of bagpipes, LOL. But that was mom, even at the end she was never going to give up smoking, so i'm glad she got one last indulgence. I even managed to put some photos of the garden up on her wall after the recent snowfall, so I hope it brought her a tiny bit of comfort. I also finally finished making her a sculpture that i'd been working on for the last 4 weeks. Years ago my mom used to make ceramcs, and as a surprise i'd been taking evening classes so I could make her a ceramic ornament. I finished it Christmas eve, and she was so proud of me. And i'll remember that always along wth out conversaton about her not beng afraid to die and fnally beng with dad again.
The day she died I stroked her hair and had the opportunity to thank her for my life and for thanking her for helping me become the person I am today. Because of my parents i've managed to live a successful life full of creativity and friendships and a person that's full of passion and love and caring and honest. They're the parts that my parents instilled in me, and I have the priviledge of taking those attributes throughout my adult life, and hopefully to one day f I ever find myself a husband or sperm donor LOL, that I can instill those attributes into them.
The only disappointment I have is that i'm amazed and saddened at the greed of some people, partcular family members who feel that it's ok to act like vultures and take whatever they want even if its against my mom's wishes. Unfirtunately i've had to change the locks on my house and tell people that i'm more than happy to give them things that they feel are precious and that hold memories of mom and dad, but it's at my discretion. The person i'm most disappointed about is my sister and my mom's side of the family who have done nothing but made trouble for me since after mom died. They changed all the funeral plans without consulting me, cancelled the cars that were coming to the house to take mom to the church and have behaved so badly that they even stormed out of the solicitors office when mom's will was read, becasue mom didn't leave them as much money as they told her they wanted. Ths was a day after I buried my mom. To say it's dsgustng would be an understatement. What is it with families, funerals and money? Is that all some people really care about?
All I can say is that i'm glad my mom isn't around to see ths debacle, and the fact that i'm being ignored by family memebers for carrying out mom's wishes. At least I can say I honoured what my mom wanted, shame on the others for only thinking of themselves. Mom's only wish was to be with dad, and at least she has that now. Goodnight mom, see you in my dreams. xxx