Thursday, 9 September 2010

Times they are a changing

It's been so long since I sat down and wrote, and a lot of things have happened; or should I say will be happening over the next few months. Some things will be scary, some exciting. One thing is for certain, my life is never dull. Not quite sure if that's a good thing or not, but things will be differen't that's for sure. Different people have been giving their advice, and normally at times like these i'd ask my mom; the fountain of all knowledge. However, that's not possible anymore so i'm kind of torn on where to go from here. With all the advice I think I need to take 5 and try and sort things out in my own mind.

So, where to start!

Well, my beloved sister has turned psychotic, and decided that she wanted to stalk me first then proceed to attack me at my own home a few weeks ago. Police were called and she was warned to stay away otherwise risk arrest. Thing is she really didn't care, not about me, not about what the police were telling her. She's been told now to stay away for good and not to contact me again. Whether she'll heed that advice or not, time will tell, but if she does come around again, I won't be pulling any punches. My mom and dad would be turning in their graves. So what was the fight about? A photo album! Unbelievable isn't it what lengths some people will go to to hurt another. I was entitled to copies of my parent's wedding album, she disagreed and told the solicitors not to give me copies. Luckily mom chose some good solicitors and they told her to back off and gave me copies. So now all I have to do is give her money in exchange for staying at my parent's home. This is where the fun starts, which i'll talk about in a little bit.

My second news? I'm going on a cruise to Asia; Beijing, Shanghai, Kagoshima, Hiroshima, Okinowa, Incheon, South Korea, Taiwan and Hong Kong, my birth place and the place my parents lived for 2 years. It's going to be a fantastic journey, 2 1/2 weeks of contentment and memories, especially going to Hong Kong, specifically Kowloon. I can't wait. I leave in October then board the cruise ship Legend of the Seas. I've never done a cruise before, unless you count a Nile cruise. I think i'm at the stage where I can't quite believe i'm going yet, so i'm keeping my excitement down to a minimum. I think it'll all sink in when I get to the airport. I'll be taking my camera with me, so will keep posting pictures of my journey, and will get the opportunity to wear cocktail dresses. Only one problem with that, i've not bought any yet, so will have to go shopping, and I hate shopping, but I suppose it's a mean to an end. I know my mom and dad will be traveling with me, and keeping me safe. I can't wait to go on the Star Ferry and see the Great wall of China. I'm taking my friend Vickie with me, and hopefully we'll have a blast. I'm having trouble with my Arthrirtis at the moment so it's causing a few problems both personally and profesionally which i'll go into in a minute.

My friends in work suggested instead of taking my sticks to take a wheelchair instead or try and get one of those mobility scooters. I told them that my friend Vickie loves to push me around, ergo I wouldn't need a wheelchair. ;) Only joking. I'm not quite sure how i'm going to manage, but i'm absolutely determined that this once in a life time holiday. Well my second once in a lifetime holiday (Stargate Atlantis holiday to Vancouver).

Talking of work, things have kind of gone from bad to worse for me in that department, and i'm finally leaving for good. I've not really got much choice to be honest as my bosses are curently preparing to dismiss me for inefficiancy for being off sick so much. I got my first formal warning on Tuesday for being off sick when my mom died. I was then told if I was off again i'd have to attend a stage 2 warning which will eventually lead to dismissal. Unfortunately as my Arthritis has been really bad recently and work are constantly ignoring my requests for support and reasonable adjustments, my doctor signed me off for two weeks. So hello stage 2 warning. My union rep thinks I've got a good case to appeal the warning as i've not had any support, and even my doc says that i've got a good case to go to the Employment Tribunal under the DDA. Thing is, even if I did that, what would change. I have no job to go back to, work are looking to get rid of about 10 thousand people across the UK, and then there's me, who's intermittantly off sick, who has a long term disability and hasn't had a job to do for the last 6 months.

I just wonder what is left for there. Hence my last dilemma. My job has always been secure in the past, it was one of those places that you never get made redundant they simply move you elsewhere. Now, however with all the cuts, nothing and noone is safe in any position. I volunteered to leave, but got told that I couldn't leave until my department was finished in March 2011, but given what's happened recently and by all accounts will continue to happen, i'm left in a dilemma as to what to do. Do I leave in October like i've now been told can happen and get some money so that I can last for 12 months while I look for another job. Or do I hold out until the end of March, where there's no guarantee that I will have a job as they're looking to dismiss me.

My mom was brilliant at guiding me in the right direction, and I really miss her, especially now. I don't think i've grieved properly for mom yet, and not quite sure when it will actually hit me, but I honestly am struggling with which way to turn. People have been giving me advice, half are telling me to go, the other half to stay and fight it out. As for me, I want to leave. I honestly don't think there's a future for me there anymore, and realistically I know that they're trying their hardest to get rid of me and will eventually succeed especially with my being signed off at the moment. My doc has told me that it's pointless having anymore physio or steriod and facet joint injections and i'm not gaining the benefit. So i'm being referred to a pain clinic which hopefully they'll help control my pain somewhat until I finally get my knee replacement. Which will likely be in about 10 years as i'm apparantly too young at the moment.

So, everything is kind of up in the air, if anyone has any advice, please put your answers on a postcard. ;)

And lastly as I like to end on a high note, my hair is growing back nicely and it's now a couple of inches long and platinum blonde. I had a cut and blow dry today to cheer myself up and my whacky cat decided that she also liked my new hair so much that she decided to groom me. I know the quality of the vid isn't that great, but she just started doing it, and all I had was my mobile to hand.

So the video of my cat licking my hair is short and sweet. Ignore the clothes in the corner, I've been trying them on for my hols and deciding what to wear.

The next time i'll post will probably when i'm on my cruise and sailing the seven seas. I'll keep you updated, please feel free to drop me a line.

Sunday, 23 May 2010

Free flowing thoughts and feelings

Hopefully this post makes sense, but today i'm trying an experiment and to be honest i'm not quite sure how it'll turn out. It might come out a jumbled mess, or I might get lucky and actually find some semblance in my life, so here goes.

Six years ago now, my dad died and my mom became paralised up until now, i've been responsible for looking after Dad and Mom until they both died. The thing is now I don't quite now where to go from here. I feel as i've lost who I am, and now have to start over. I know during my time of caring, I tried to be the best daughter I possible could, sometimes I felt as if all I had given was not enough, sometimes I felt as if I was being selfish for wanting some kind of life. Over the years i've heralded feelings of guilt, sadness and grief as my emotions tumbled out like a spewing volcano. Now that i'm on my own, i'm trying hard to come to terms with things and find a life that I once had. I just didn't realise what a rocky road it was going to be.

They say that in life you have to choose your path, I wonder if that's true, or if the path you take is somehow predetermined. I know since my mom died i've changed, i'm not the person I once was. I need to find somehow the inner strength to get through this change. I guess what i'm feeling is related to grief and losing my mom, but a part of me is trying to break free I think of all the restraints placed on me over the years. I've come now to a point in my life I think where I need to start thinking of myself for a change. To learn how to stand up for myself without feeling gulity that i've hurt people for having a disagreement. I have to live my life as if it's the last day of my life everyday and not make apologies for being selfish for a change.

My sister came around a couple of weeks ago now comeing to collect her bequeathed items that mom left her, and I've come to realise that all this time I thought there was something wrong with me, something I'd done to piss her off. But what I realised for the first time in my lifetime, that it's not me that has the issues, she is the one who's made my life a misery because she can. She's the sort of person that puts you down all the time, she deliberately belittles people to make herself feel better. I wonder even know why I hadn't noticed, and why I allowed myself to be treated that way, when I wouldn't stand for anyone else to be treated in such a manner.

I guess i'm finally growing up and taking back a part of my life that's been missing for 6 years. I know that over this turbulent time i've done everything I possibly could to care for mom and dad, and I hope that they're looking down on me and saying that they're proud of who I am and what i'll become. For now though i'm trying to find a way forward and there are two paths I could take, and for me i'm trying to figure out whether the path i'm going to take is a good one or is it a knee jerk reaction to my mom dying? Honestly I really don't know.

Path 1

I stay at my current job, and although disallusioned and no longer want to be there anymore, it gives me stability. I can stay indefinately or take redundancy and follow the second path, or I can stay in work and be moved to a different position and maybe enjoy the job again.

Path 2

I leave my job by taking redundancy, pay off all my bills and the last of my mortgage and study again. I want to do criminology and psychology and it's something i've wanted to do for a very long time, but circumstances haven't allowed it. I'll have the money to be able to study, but I wonder that I might be too old (i'm 38 this year) to have a complete change of careers and would I get a job in the field that I want.

All I know at the moment is that I need to know which path to choose, my heart is set at the second path, but if I don't get redundancy then i'll have no choice but to stay on the first path and just wonder what if.

If there's one thing I know is that the words that will haunt me if I don't try this things are 'What if?'

I always bounced these things off my mom, but now without her here I don't honestly know where to go, she always knew just what to say to make things right, but only enough to allow me to make my own decisions. I guess it's a mom thing, and I miss that.

Sunday, 21 March 2010

Hair today, Gone tomorrow!

Well it's 2 months today since my mom passed away. As you can see I no longer have any hair, lost it a about a month ago now. The doc thinks it's a result of the stress on my body caused by the loss of my mom and the fact that I may have ovarian cancer. I go into hospital in two weeks time to determine if I have cancer and how far advanced it is. They located to large tumors after several scans and as they've been changing rapidly, the oncologist i've been seeing recommends we get them out asap. I of course have been very stubborn and have asked not to have the operation a few times, what can I say i'm stubborn, and it's really not been a great time for me to get it done. I lied to my mom and told her before she died that the tumors were benign, she needed to hear that it was ok for her to let go without worrying about me.

I think for me it was also important to not let anything stop her from leaving. She was exhausted and wanted to be with Dad. If i'd have told her what the oncologist said then she would have hung on for who knows how long, that would have been unfair. So I had to let her go even if it's hard now not having many family members left here for support. My mom's family are not speaking to me, obviously i'm still the black sheep LOL.

I am desperate for a little change in my life at the moment, i'm lost at the weekends, I miss my Stargate Atlantis fix, i'm guessing there isn't gonna be a movie. Hmmph no surprise there. I miss my friends from Gateworld, but don't feel I can go back now. I've changed they've changed, i've not even been to Mr M's blog for ages or challenged anyone's post. I've become a bore. I bet Mr M is relieved he doesn't have to listen to me go off on a tangent anymore LOL, at least he's kindly putting some old Atlantis pics up. Ah to reminisce.

Here's to the good old days.....

Friday, 19 February 2010

There are two things n life that are certain; Death and Taxes!

When I was just a little girl

Mom's garden.

Mom's special Christmas tree

My mom passed away a few weeks ago after a long debilitating illness. I'm currently in a state of denial and numbness. For the last 5 years i've spent every weekend with her bar a couple of weekends where i've shamelessly indulged in my stargate obsession.

Know during the weekends i'm fnding it hard to do something with my time. I guess it's going to be a case of learning how to live again. I've known it was coming for a long time, but it doesn't matter it's still a shock and it was so sudden at least my mom didn't suffer at the end. How strange a passing it was, my mom spoke of having a last cigarette even though her chest sounded like a rusty pair of bagpipes, LOL. But that was mom, even at the end she was never going to give up smoking, so i'm glad she got one last indulgence. I even managed to put some photos of the garden up on her wall after the recent snowfall, so I hope it brought her a tiny bit of comfort. I also finally finished making her a sculpture that i'd been working on for the last 4 weeks. Years ago my mom used to make ceramcs, and as a surprise i'd been taking evening classes so I could make her a ceramic ornament. I finished it Christmas eve, and she was so proud of me. And i'll remember that always along wth out conversaton about her not beng afraid to die and fnally beng with dad again.

The day she died I stroked her hair and had the opportunity to thank her for my life and for thanking her for helping me become the person I am today. Because of my parents i've managed to live a successful life full of creativity and friendships and a person that's full of passion and love and caring and honest. They're the parts that my parents instilled in me, and I have the priviledge of taking those attributes throughout my adult life, and hopefully to one day f I ever find myself a husband or sperm donor LOL, that I can instill those attributes into them.

The only disappointment I have is that i'm amazed and saddened at the greed of some people, partcular family members who feel that it's ok to act like vultures and take whatever they want even if its against my mom's wishes. Unfirtunately i've had to change the locks on my house and tell people that i'm more than happy to give them things that they feel are precious and that hold memories of mom and dad, but it's at my discretion. The person i'm most disappointed about is my sister and my mom's side of the family who have done nothing but made trouble for me since after mom died. They changed all the funeral plans without consulting me, cancelled the cars that were coming to the house to take mom to the church and have behaved so badly that they even stormed out of the solicitors office when mom's will was read, becasue mom didn't leave them as much money as they told her they wanted. Ths was a day after I buried my mom. To say it's dsgustng would be an understatement. What is it with families, funerals and money? Is that all some people really care about?

All I can say is that i'm glad my mom isn't around to see ths debacle, and the fact that i'm being ignored by family memebers for carrying out mom's wishes. At least I can say I honoured what my mom wanted, shame on the others for only thinking of themselves. Mom's only wish was to be with dad, and at least she has that now. Goodnight mom, see you in my dreams. xxx