Sunday, 23 May 2010

Free flowing thoughts and feelings

Hopefully this post makes sense, but today i'm trying an experiment and to be honest i'm not quite sure how it'll turn out. It might come out a jumbled mess, or I might get lucky and actually find some semblance in my life, so here goes.

Six years ago now, my dad died and my mom became paralised up until now, i've been responsible for looking after Dad and Mom until they both died. The thing is now I don't quite now where to go from here. I feel as i've lost who I am, and now have to start over. I know during my time of caring, I tried to be the best daughter I possible could, sometimes I felt as if all I had given was not enough, sometimes I felt as if I was being selfish for wanting some kind of life. Over the years i've heralded feelings of guilt, sadness and grief as my emotions tumbled out like a spewing volcano. Now that i'm on my own, i'm trying hard to come to terms with things and find a life that I once had. I just didn't realise what a rocky road it was going to be.

They say that in life you have to choose your path, I wonder if that's true, or if the path you take is somehow predetermined. I know since my mom died i've changed, i'm not the person I once was. I need to find somehow the inner strength to get through this change. I guess what i'm feeling is related to grief and losing my mom, but a part of me is trying to break free I think of all the restraints placed on me over the years. I've come now to a point in my life I think where I need to start thinking of myself for a change. To learn how to stand up for myself without feeling gulity that i've hurt people for having a disagreement. I have to live my life as if it's the last day of my life everyday and not make apologies for being selfish for a change.

My sister came around a couple of weeks ago now comeing to collect her bequeathed items that mom left her, and I've come to realise that all this time I thought there was something wrong with me, something I'd done to piss her off. But what I realised for the first time in my lifetime, that it's not me that has the issues, she is the one who's made my life a misery because she can. She's the sort of person that puts you down all the time, she deliberately belittles people to make herself feel better. I wonder even know why I hadn't noticed, and why I allowed myself to be treated that way, when I wouldn't stand for anyone else to be treated in such a manner.

I guess i'm finally growing up and taking back a part of my life that's been missing for 6 years. I know that over this turbulent time i've done everything I possibly could to care for mom and dad, and I hope that they're looking down on me and saying that they're proud of who I am and what i'll become. For now though i'm trying to find a way forward and there are two paths I could take, and for me i'm trying to figure out whether the path i'm going to take is a good one or is it a knee jerk reaction to my mom dying? Honestly I really don't know.

Path 1

I stay at my current job, and although disallusioned and no longer want to be there anymore, it gives me stability. I can stay indefinately or take redundancy and follow the second path, or I can stay in work and be moved to a different position and maybe enjoy the job again.

Path 2

I leave my job by taking redundancy, pay off all my bills and the last of my mortgage and study again. I want to do criminology and psychology and it's something i've wanted to do for a very long time, but circumstances haven't allowed it. I'll have the money to be able to study, but I wonder that I might be too old (i'm 38 this year) to have a complete change of careers and would I get a job in the field that I want.

All I know at the moment is that I need to know which path to choose, my heart is set at the second path, but if I don't get redundancy then i'll have no choice but to stay on the first path and just wonder what if.

If there's one thing I know is that the words that will haunt me if I don't try this things are 'What if?'

I always bounced these things off my mom, but now without her here I don't honestly know where to go, she always knew just what to say to make things right, but only enough to allow me to make my own decisions. I guess it's a mom thing, and I miss that.

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