Sunday, 14 June 2009


I'm sort of uncomfortable about discussing this topic, especially as it relates to me. I've recently been diagnosed with major depression and have been on antidepressants (Citalopram) for the last 2 months to get back to my old self. My friends (the few close ones I have) have been very supportive, but others seem to think I should snap out of it and get back to work.

I didn't think there was such a stigma surrounding this as their used to be, or maybe it's a lack of understanding on people's part. Stress plays a large part of it, but stress and depression may be similar in symptoms, but the two are very different and shouldn't be confused. I've been battling depression for nearly 5 years now. Never told anyone about how I was feeling because for the last 5 years i've had to be the carer, I've had to hold everything together. So each day I put on my mask when I go to work and people don't see how much i'm hurting. I've done really well keeping my 'secret' under wraps all this time, no one would look at me and say, "Oh you look depressed." It's something that's never been associated with me, as I always seem in control of my actions, my feelings. That was up until a few months ago, when my mask started to slip and my emotions were starting to come apart.

I'd ignored all the health warnings my body was giving me, palpitations, suspected heart attack, tearful, stressed, letting the things I once enjoyed doing I let go. I was losing weight regular each week, and lost 28 pounds in the last few months. Now i've been told, that because i've not listened to those subtle sounds, my body is screaming for me stop and reevaluate my life or lack there of.

I've been on valium for a month aswell as tamazapam and Citolapram, none of which have been any good. I still don't sleep well, primarily due to my hands going completely numb, yes the valium relaxed me, but they were only a short term measure. I'm hoping this Citolapram I take each day will hopefully help along with some cognitive behavioural therapy will get me back on an even keel and start enjoying life again. I miss smiling and laughing and my writing.

Looking at my house (which is in a serious state of dissaray) I just don't have the willingness to even clean up. My boss and my mom are asking me what i'm doing with my time since i've been off work. While i've made some progress in getting my other house ready for sale, my mom's house looks like i'm living in a pigsty and i'm so embarressed I won't answer the door, or invite people round.

I know time heals all wounds, and i've been told to take it day by day and learn to relax, but i'm not used to it. I've had to cope on my own for all this time, and care for others, but I don't know how to relax and care for myself. I guess it's time to learn. I just wish I could bounce back to my old self.

If anyone wants any information on Stress/Anxiety or depression here are some links. If you feel like sharing your story, i'm a good listener. :)


Anonymous said...

Mmmm quite a strange read for me (in a good way).. I know how Citalopram can affect people so if possible try to stick with them for several months and they may help, I have no experience of the other meds so can't comment there - currently I take 30mg Citalopram a day and have a very similar story to yours emotionally (hence my "strange 'coincidental' read.." :o) - also - I have a close relationship with my Nikon D60x so I just wondered if it was 'another!' sign that I was depressed or not (hope that makes you smile?) - some lovely shots you have there, in a beautiful place. It was just a friendly hi! your far from alone with the depression, goon on ya for being honest enough to put it into words - I know how tough it can be. Take good care of yourself and feel free to drop me a line anytime - I run the tattoo zoo website which is how I found your blog by the way - so yet another thing we have in common :o) Best wishes and good luck with your chapter! S

Anonymous said...

Oh my dear Cheeky! I'm so glad you still have your blog! I was concerned as to what was up to somethings. Depression is something I can so understand. I,myself suffer, from it. I'm no longer on meds for it. But, as you have knowledge of some of things I've experienced, I don't need to elaborate. I hope that I get to see meet you again! It Rocked in Bedford! *flashback!...Joe...Jason* The shoe pic is a fave of everyone... seriously. HUGS! Please, if you happen see this, give a holler on how you are doing and that you are alright. Take care of yourself!

crazymom said...

Hang in there! I hope it's better since you posted. Sometimes it takes a while to get sorted out what meds work best, and whether you need them long-term or short-term. We've dealt with both at my house. My husband's been on meds for 16 years, and I've just come off a short-term round of antidepressants, still trying to decide if I can stand on my own yet (so far, so good). He's got the lifelong, probably genetic component, while my situation was more, well, situational (autistic kiddo finishing high school, niece with cancer, coworker who openly despised me, etc.) and I couldn't deal with it all. Thinking about you.

Anonymous said...

thanks for share..................................................