Tuesday, 5 June 2007

The interview to end all interviews

I think today was 'let's make Cheeky squirm'. Today was the day, I had my second phase promotion interview. I'd passed the first one, and today was meeting other board members to discuss my evaluation form and how I performed against certain competencies. They'd managed to whittle the applicants down from 120 people to 30, so I was pleased to get as far as I have. Whether I'll get my promotion is another matter. I'm not normally a nervous person (by any stretch of the imagination), but there are times when I can talk...excessively, more so than normal when i'm nervous. I know that must come as a shock to all of you as I'm normally so reserved. But yes, it's true; Cheeky can be a chatterbox.

So, with my interview being held today, I thought it was time to don a skirt, tights and heels; the whole kit and caboodle. Now, I'm not really a 'girly girl' and I would rather spend my time paint balling than going shopping and getting my hair done. But, needs must and all that, so i'd prepared my clothing attire ahead of schedule. Top - not too revealing, but just enough to flaunt my assets. My mom is a big believer of 'if you've got it, flaunt it'. The skirt was knee length which covered the essentials as mom would say, but I've never felt so uncomfortable. Give me a pair of jeans or trousers and i'm content. Put me in a dress or a skirt and it's 'how the hell do I make sure I don't show my knickers in public' type of scenario. I've sought assistance on many occasion on how to cross your legs just right, but I tend to look really uncomfortable... and it's not pretty.

Nevertheless, I braved the world with my knee length skirt and got on the train, hoping that no one would sit in front of me, so I wouldn't have to get my leg over... so to speak. In the end I gave up and put my coat over my lap thus failing the lady like test before i'd even begun. As I made my way into work in the rush hour traffic, and to work, making my way eventually to my desk as discreetly as I could. My lot have maybe seen me in a skirt twice in the last couple of years, normally smart attire is for meeting the bigwigs! So, I got just a few feet from my desk, and was about to pat myself on the back by sneaking in without being spotted, but fate had obviously decreed that today wasn't going to be that day. And a loud voice echoed across the office. 'Oh My God you've got legs'! Dagnabit my cover was blown, I turned round to the whistle blower and gave them that look that says, 'you're going to pay for that at your next appraisal'. Needless to say he took no notice. note to self: You may need to threaten them with the whip more often! Within minutes people were looking over to see that I was in fact wearing a skirt. I tend to keep things pretty much close to my chest, so that if i'm unsuccessful, the least people who know about it the better. I really don't need to hear the 'oh i'm sorry', 'better luck next time'. But unfortunately today was not going to be one of those days. Maybe I overdid it with the skirt?

After about twenty minutes of discussing what my interview was about, they made their way back to their seats and allowed me to carry on with my work. They promised faithfully they wouldn't disturb me so that I could concentrate on what I was going to say. No such luck. I swear the same lad came over every ten minutes for two hours! In the end I turned round to my colleague as he approached and said to her, 'it must be the skirt'. Who knew it could have such an effect on a person. She giggled and in response to said giggling he (my stalker for the day) wondered what was so funny. I really couldn't leave it there, so I told him that I didn't realise my showing my legs would have such an effect on him! He crooked his head and took a look at my legs and said, 'did you use a fake tan'? I shook my head in disbelief. They're called tights I told him. He subsequently grunted and forgot his reason for coming to see me. He left and my colleague and I continued to laugh at his expense.

As the time draw nearer, I felt myself chilling, i'd read my application form front to back, right to left. I'd learned the senior management talk aka bull shit to ensure a successful interview. So I was half way there. Now anyone who knows me is fully aware that although I try to toe the party line, I am not now nor ever will be a 'yes sir, no sir three bags full sir'. I've tried it, and just end up feeling nauseous by the sickly kissing of ass. So I tend to give up after about ten minutes, and I end up getting into trouble, or receive 'the look'... *know understands why she has not been promoted in a few years* :P Oh well promotions and money is so overrated anyway.

So i'm called in for interview, head up, chest out, walking tall and being very professional. My mom would be so proud! And after being gestured to the seating area, I take my seat and give a 'hello' to those interviewing me. Can I just say that i'm not a fiddler in an interview. I've been the interviewer and interviewee on sever occasions and up to this point, have never felt the need to 'fiddle with myself' during an interview. I wish the same could be said for the interviewer! She obviously never received the memo about clothing attire! Adorned with what must have been the skimpiest tops of all time, she began.. how can I put this, 'playing with herself' for 40 minutes. Fiddling with her bra straps, pulling at her top, leaning over the desk (well I suppose it shows she was interested in what I had to say). And then started playing with her pendant that kept getting caught up in her cleavage!

This could only happen to me.

Nevertheless, I soldiered on and kept good eye contact throughout until she began bolstering up her boobs! And alas I lost my concentration and began to say the same buzz word at least 5 times in three minutes. I ask you, in response to 'How do you effectively maintain a good working relationship with stakeholders?' I swear I must have used the words, 'it's all about building a foundation' five times.. Oh things were not going well. And the worst thing was, I was telling myself to shut up and use a different word, but alas it was not to be. I continued to use said words at least on 4 other occasions as I internally admonished my brain for talking such crap, I knew I just wanted to get out of the interview as soon as possible. Thankfully the interviewer changed the subject, but I continued to sprout crap and ramble excessively until my mouth suddenly went dry and I found my tongue sticking to the roof of my mouth. Great! Now the nerves decide to kick in. 'Would you like some water?' At this point I wondered if I could actually hold the cup without spilling the jug of water over the table... reminisce of a previous interview. I politely declined saying that I didn't want to drop the jug with my shaking hands... a little humour to ease the tension. They didn't laugh. Nice professional manner, there Cheeky! Obviously taking pity on me they poured me a glass of water and this allowed me to regain my professional demeanour, and to lubricate my mouth so that it became an oasis in the desert.

After 40 minutes and polite handshakes and thanks all round I left the interview without so much as a backward glance. So with that wonderful interview out the way, I should hear back as to whether i'm successful or not sometime this week.

Let's just say I won't be holding my breath!


Pocus said...

You make me laugh so hard sometimes. I absolutely despise wearing a skirt and use any excuse to never put one on. At least in my line of work I spend too much time on the floor to try and get up in a skirt. Too often I would step on the back and fall down or end up giving the kids more of an education than they need at age 4.

I am sure you did well in your interview anyway. Sorry they didn't laugh at your water joke though. I did!

Linzi said...

I swear you should be writing a comedy show. Sort of Bridget Jones meets The Office!

Of course, the heroine is you! Poor you. At least you can laugh at things that didn't go to plan, unlike some people.

Bottom line, you did the best you could, at the time, in the circumstances, with a woman sitting in front of you playing with her titties! Good grief, how you didn't chuckle or just stare open-mouthed is beyond me! I mean honestly, talk about distracting and unprofessional of her. I can see how she got her job...obviously she has a nice couple of assets that have allowed her to climb the ladder!!!

Well, if it doesn't work out this time, you had a practice run, and will do better next time - provinding one of your male interviewers doesn't start playing with his two little friends this time... If it works out, then woo hoo!

Whatever happens, it's meant to be.

Chin up - you're a star no matter what happens. :)